Mistaken thinking...

There are many places that people think that I am supposed to be this weekend...

suppose

• v. to assume as true, especially for the sake of argument
• v. to consider likely or probable
• v. to expect

supposed

• adj. accepted as being, often mistakenly

assume

• v. to take for granted without proof

It is impossible to live your life on the assumptions of others.  If you are doing what others think you are supposed to do then you aren't actually living your life... you are living the life they think you should live.

I grow tired of doing things that make me feel like shit or uncomfortable because of what others think.  There is too much of that in my job that I don't want to have to deal with it in my personal life.  And far too often the person with the expectation is one who would not inconvenience themselves for me.  I refuse to live like that.  I don't think anyone should have to.

As a friend I am learning to pay more attention to what I ask of my friends and making sure that I wouldn't ask them to do anything that I would not do myself.  And sometimes you can't look at the literal action... you have to think about feelings as well.  Isn't that what friendship is all about?

rambling about crushes...

*a twitter convo inspired this bit of rambling*

i miss having a crush
they let me know that i am still alive
blood pumping through my veins
hormones get to flowing
and my creativity gets moving
i mean it is hard to write about relationships and love
if you have no muse
granted i could write an epic novel on depression
but who the hell would want to read that?

i want to write about the warm chill that
dances through your body when you
see that special someone
the imagery playing in your mind
when they are in it with you
the throb between your thighs
when they are really in it with you,

at least in your mind
where you know exactly what to say
exactly how to react
when the weather and your hair is always perfect
you look fly
and
most important
they always notice you.

my problem is i have too many rules
i can not crush on someone
who belongs to someone else

well...
except...
but that was entirely his fault...
married me shouldn't say such things...

but in general
to me
the thrill in the crush is
the potential
it could happen.

i don't share well
got the kindergarten report cards to prove it
so if i know that you are otherwise occupied
you can't be my crush
and lately that has killed many a potentially
exquisite fantasy.

my other rule
is to never act on the crush
never get up the nerve
cause nothing destroys a fantasy faster than
reality.

the sex is bad
they haven't grown up
or worse...
they have grown up and
they are still an asshole.

this is not to say
there isn't the possibility that
they are as wonderful in reality as
they are in your mind
and crushes can turn into love...

just hasn't happened to me yet...

but neither has winning the lottery
and that has happened to other people before...

just not me...


~turtleberry 6/19/12

What are you putting into life?

So a good friend of mine posted on various social media sites a question that I really like:

Shouldn't you put into your relationships what you want out of them??

It seems to have an obvious answer.  But I want you to pause for a second and think back to past relationships and ask yourself that same question.  Were you putting in what you expected to get out?  If you want your mate to be more considerate... are you modeling that behavior?
I myself had to take a moment and review my past relationship failures.  I could tell over time that I had gotten a lot better at modeling the behaviors that I wanted to see.  Now I am not saying that I was perfect at it.  As bad as that last one ended I am certain there was still a disconnect in that area.  The key is I don't blame it all on him.  I share in the blame in the fact that there were things I expected that I did not do. 
There has to be some sort of example to model after or communication.  The ideal is both.  If you want someone to love you a certain way, you have to love first yourself & then them that exact way.
 
It's like having a bucket and reaching in to get out something that you know good & got'damn well you didn't put in there.  You are taking your chances.  Sometimes you get lucky but most times you don't.
 
Now look at your life.  My mom has used this bucket analogy before.  Your parents and GOD provide you with a bucket.  For years your parents are sharing their blessings with you and putting them in your bucket.  As a child and a teenager you are able to reach into the bucket and pull out what you need.  At some point you have to start putting things into the bucket yourself. 
When you are an adult it is all on you.  You can't expect for there to be anything in the bucket if you didn't put anything in.
 
So what are you putting into your "life bucket" and your "love bucket"?  What are your thoughts?